Hidden dreams

                                                            Hidden Dreams 


When we marry someone, we marry the whole package. This means we marry all their weaknesses and bad habits. There will always be things in our partner personalities that probably will never change. In John Gottman's book he talks about unfulfilled or hidden dreams. He asserts that these unfulfilled dreams influence people’s behaviors and the decision’s big and small. Gottman suggests that many perpetual conflicts in a marriage are a result of these hidden dreams. For example, a wife may want a home that is spotless, but her husband is frustrated by this because he desires a home where he can feel relaxed and not be nagged to always clean up after himself. The couple’s different desires can cause frustration in their marriage and can become a source of many arguments. Gottman suggests that this couple will always have their differences on how clean a house should be, they are likely not going to change each other’s habits. He says the solution is for the couple to sit down together and discuss why they feel the way they do. Perhaps the wife desired a clean home because she grew up in a dysfunctional family where the home was always in disarray. To her a clean home represents stability and a functional family, she feels at peace in a clean home. Her husband may have grown up in a spotless home where he never felt like he could relax and kick up his feet, to him a little clutter makes him feel comfortable. His dream is to have a comfortable home, her dream is to have a home where she feels safe and secure. This couple must sit down and explain their dreams to each other. After they both understand the why of each other’s preferences, they will likely be more willing to bend a little toward the others side. They don't have to change their dreams, but they can compromise with each other and work to accommodate each other.

When we learn to understand our spouse, we begin to have charity for them. We will begin to have a deeper desire to do all we can to ensure their comfort and happiness. We will learn that they don't need to stop being " annoying" for us to love them, but we will understand that if we pray for a change of heart, we will stop seeing them as " annoying". We ourselves will want to become better for our spouse. This is was makes a happy marriage.

Gottman John M & Nan Silver (2015) " The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert" New york , Harmony Books