Manners

                                                               Manners 

 

In John Gottman's book " The Seven principles for making Marriage work", he discussed the importance of manners in a marriage. He pointed out that we show manners to strangers and friends but often not to our spouses . We would never insult and criticize a friend for breaking something in our home, we might even tell them it was partly our fault they broke it. We don't flood a friend with all the times in the past that they have been clumsy and tell them that they are hopeless. If we won't treat friends and even strangers this way , why do we do this to our spouses? Our spouses are the ones we have made covenants with, they are the ones we hope to spend a life time and eternity with, so why do we treat them with less respect then we show strangers? We need to nurture our marriage because it is truly the most important relationship we will ever have

I once had an horrible experience with a women I didn't know.This women didn't treat me like a stranger the way  many people treat their spouses . I  unintentionally did something that inconvenienced and offended  her, after she pointed out my mistake I tried to apologize and and make things right,  but she would not let it go. She refused to accept my apology and continued to barrage me with insults , she used very ugly words and even insulted my children. I started out trying to be polite but after being flooded by her words , I lashed out and said things that I immediately  regretted. I left that experience feeling worthless and devastated. Her uncontrolled anger hurt , and I was ashamed of how I reacted, I was also left feeling like a despicable human being for the my  unintentional act that was the cause of her anger. I beat myself up for days after. The incident is still painful to think about. As I read Gottman's book, I thought of this incident , and realized that I often do what this lady did to me to my husband, the one person who I should cherish above every other human being. My husband will often unintentionally bother me, he will try to apologize but I will be so angry I will refuse to accept his apology. I will then start hurling insults at him and bringing up past offenses, sometimes I will  use ugly language. My husband will feel flooded and react with hostility. We will both say things we regret. I wonder if my husband leaves these situations often feeling the way I felt after my incident with that women. Does he feel worthless and like a despicable human being? Why do I treat him this way when it hurts me so much to be treated the same? I have had so many insights this week. I want to change the way I react to my husband when I am bothered by something he does. Gottman suggested using a soft -start up, and taking breaks when we feel our heart rate rising . What are some other things do you my readers suggest I can do to control my anger, and keep control of a disagreement or argument ? 

Gottman John M & Nan Silver (2015) " The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert" New york , Harmony Books