Bids for attention

                                                   Bids for attention

Turning towards one another in a marriage can be difficult. Life has so many distractions. I am so busy raising 5 children, cleaning, laundry, my school work and the list goes on and on. It is hard to be present when there is so much to distract me. I had already realized that I need to work on being more present with my children but Dr John Gottman’s book “The Seven principles of a successful marriage" made me realize that I also need to work on being present with my husband as well. He will often talk to about things that interest him that I have no interest in. He will often start up a conversation with me when I am busy doing homework, reading or watching a show. Often, I will half listen and respond with  "hmm". While I am distracted and not turning toward him when he makes a bid for attention we are not growing closer. Bids for attention can be many things and our  spouse may not even realize they are doing it. When a spouse asks us how our day went that may be a bid, or if they want to tell us about something funny they read. It  can even be a comment they hate doing the dishes, in that moment you can step up and do the dishes while they help you or while they sit at the table and visit with you. When we respond to our spouses’ bids for attention when  we turn toward each other. Gottman suggested the so-called little things like small talk, or conversing while doing chores, can do much more for a marriage than a “romantic” two-week getaway the Bahamas (1)  In the Book of Mormon in Alma 37: 6 we read " By small and simple things are great things brought to pass" . It is the small things not the grand gestures that make the biggest difference.

 The other night I tried to respond to my when he made his bids for attention. I was reading in bed and he said" this your last chance to kiss me before I shave (he has been growing chops for Halloween because he is going to go as Wolverine, it’s a joke between us because I despise his chops). I took that as a bid for attention, I closed my book gave him a kiss and then we talked for 20 minutes until we both feel asleep. I did feel closer to him as we talked about nothing important. It is hard for me to give a way my personal time at the end of the day because I deal with children all day, and I need time to recharge and regroup.  Just as Joseph Smith said that a religion that doesn't require sacrifice will never have the power to sanctify a person, a marriage without the sacrifices of each partner will never reach its full potential. It may be hard to give up our personal time, but our marriages will reap the benefits. I am not suggesting that we spend every minute with our spouse. Personal time is important, but there must be a balance, and we must be willing to sacrifice to turn toward our spouse.

1.       Gottman, John M PhD & Silver N (2015) “The Seven Principles for making marriage work: A practical guide for the countries for most relationship expert” , New York City